How bitter people see Twilight
by GirlTypeAdam
Summary: Bella is pregnant and Edward is going to do something he hasn't had to do in over 100 years...get a job.
1. Chapter 1

I recently found a bunch of old files of mine and this Twilight Parody was among them. This must be like 10 years old now. I don't think anyone cares much about Twilight anymore but when I read it made me giggle, so I figured I'd share for whoever wants to read it.

No, I'm not really bitter. I believe in true love. But heck, I left High School at 17 and never looked back so 100+ year old Vampires hanging out in a high school? **_That's crazy, holmes!_** But let's not ask too many questions.^^;

**enjoy :)**

"Edward..."

Edward let a smile curl his soft supple lips as he heard the melodious voice of his lady love calling him from down the stairs.

_"Edward..."_

The smile grows wider as he pulls his vision of love closer to himself.

"EDWARD!"

"What!?"

"PUT DOWN THAT DAMN MIRROR AND COME HELP ME UP THE STAIRS!"

Edward sighed. Why is she over here again? From the top floor of their mansion, he watched as his beautiful, pregnant wife struggled to waddle her way up the stairs in all her whale-ish glory.

Reluctantly, Edward put the mirror down and sighed. _"Till we meet again my love..."_

_"EDWARD!"_

"If you scream out my name like that again...I'm changing it to Barnaby!"

Bella huffed at the top of the stairs and glared at him.

"Why not change it to Deadbeat Von-Prickface?"

Edward gazed off into a wall considering this proposal.

"But then you'd be misses Deadbeat Von-Prickface …"

Squatting down on the bed, Bella sank into it looking very much like a big nesting bird. Edward smirked a little because in spite of the fat-unsexiness, and flip flops flapping on un-lotioned feet...she looked kind of cute ^^;;

"Edward, you need to get a job," Bella huffed.

Edward nodded and narrowed his eyes as he listened to her. Then he got down on one knee and began messaging her swollen feet.

"Anything for you my LOVE..." He said kissing her lovely little toes.

Bella smiled and cooed. Edward looked up at her with his sultry, sexy, smile.

"All you have to do is tell me what that is..."

"WHAT?"

"That thing you just mentioned,"

"A JOB?"

Edward nodded and decided to try to sound the word out. "A J-JAH-"

"A job, Cullen! You have to get a job! We're about to have a baby!" She said this with a completely bewildered look on her face. Edward rather liked that look on the children he was molesting.

"Eddie, we're about to have a baby together. We need money. We need stability."

Edward nodded and rose, putting his hands on her shoulders to give her a nice rub down.

"But Bella, I'm still in High School…"

"You're like a hundred thousand years old though."

Edward narrowed his eyes and sneered at her. "I'm a vampire, not a STEGOSAURUS!"

Bella stood up. This action involved a strange swimming motion as if she was looking for some invisible force to haul her up. Edward watched with much interest.

"But...BELOVED?" The door slams and Edward remains looking lost and broken-hearted. The sound of beloved making her way down the stairs and cursing...made his soul cry.

"Come help me, dumb ass!"

At the bottom of the stairs, the rest of the Cullen's were poised in their positions doing what they do best. Absolutely nothing.

Carlisle Cullen was leaning up against the mantle, doing nothing while looking smart and serious.

Esme was sitting in a lovely sofa chair, doing nothing while looking woe-full.

Rosalie was seated on the sofa, doing nothing while being a blond with big ass tits.

And Emmett was doing nothing while looking like a quarterback for the Miami dolphins.

As Bella reached the bottom stairs, Alice suddenly had a psychic vision about something completely inane that happened yesterday.

"Ewww! I think my head is broken," she frowned and rubbed her temple. She then turned to Jasper for some comfort but found him staring at Bella Swan with an unnatural delight in his eyes.

"Ugh! Keep your creepy ass brother away from me!" Bella said, eyeing Jasper as she and Edward made it to the bottom step.

"Jasper gets a little weak at times but I promise my LOVE, he's harmless," Edward assured.

"Harmless?" Bella said looking over at Jasper who wiggled his bushy eyebrows at her and had a ridiculous smile pasted on his face. "He used to call me Hamburger but ever since I got preggers, he's been calling me quarter pounder with cheese!"

Jasper turned to Alice still smiling. "The Cheese is Edwards' man sauce." He wiggled his eyes brows at Alice and made the gross tasting noises with his mouth like Hannibal Lecter from "Silence of the Lambs".


	2. Chapter 2

This is part 2 of the fanfic I found in some old files of mine. I wasn't really planning on writing any more of this story but now that I've found it and read it again...I want to see more of Macaroni Toni. lol! So if I get enough encouragement I may start writing more of these.

**enjoy! :)**

"You, You have one of those job things," Edward said, rushing to Carlisle. "Tell me where I can get one of those."

"A Job?" Carlisle said, delighted. One of his "children" actually wanted to do _something_?

"Well, Edward, when I was still alive I went to college for 8 years to be able to practice medicine. Then after I became a vampire I was reduced to kind of…haunting the hospital," he said, a bit sadly.

"It's not so bad. I still get paid well. I'm not sure what to do with my 401K plan…after all I'm immortal." Carlisle reclined back into his chair as he considered this. "I suppose I could place it all in a ROTH IRA, Let a little interest build. Perhaps make some investments in a startup Tech Company..."

Edward nearly loses his shit. "What is he saying? Is this English?"

Bella scrunches up her nose and shakes her head "No". "ROA? Sounds Indonesian. Are you speaking Indonesian, Carlisle?"

"Hey, I know a guy who could get you a JAH-AB!" Emmett said, suddenly. "Macaroni Toni! He's been bugging me to let him give Rosalie a job. Something that requires fishing… a HOOKER I think it's called. I told him, nah! I didn't want Rosalie walking around here smelling like fish so..."

Edward was delighted! His face lit up as Bella rubbed her baby bump and rolled her eyes. For a bunch of 100 billion-year-old Stegosauruses, this lot was dumb as shit.

Emmett led Edward to the place where he could find the immensely powerful wizard, "Macaroni Toni".

And a great and amazing wizard he was. He was dressed in neon green Valour, with a white fur tiger print collar, and platform shoes that contained water and no less than three clownfish each!

Adorned on his fingers were brilliant gold and platinum rings. Further ornaments hung from his neck on a gold rope. He carried a golden wizarding scepter with an iridescent crystal ball on its head. But on his head, oh great vampires of ancient times, on his head was the finest wizards hard Edward had ever seen!

My God, HE WAS BLINDING! He sparkled in the sunlight brighter then Edward could ever hope to. The sheer magnificence of Macaroni Toni bought Edward Cullen to his knees. He was overcome with the passion of the Macaroni!

"getyobitchassoffthefloor..." Macaroni mumbled, in a voice that was so slight it was barely more than a whisper, and it came out musically, like a chuckle. To even be audible, Macaroni had to sneer, so every word could escape, quickly and in a single file, least a syllable gets cut off when his sneer fell.

"Mac, my man!" Emmett shouted, slapping the pimp five. "I need you to hook my brother here up with a JAH-AB!"

"fuckhimman, heaintshit! Whenyougonnaletmehookyouupwiththe…_MIAMI DOLPHINS_?"

Emmett shook his head "no". Macaroni was unperturbed. "The Chicago Bulls?"

"Nah, man! I'm good. I'm not like dumb-dumb over here; sexing mortal chicks, getting them all pregnant and stuff"

"Oh, REALLY?" Toni moaned, pulling his pink glasses down his nose to get a good look at Edward. "youarethefather, huh?" He completed this with a tittering laugh.

"C'mon, huh..." Toni said motioning for Edward and Emmett to follow him. They walked to a nearby fast-food restaurant, Toni and Edward walked in through the door and Emmett crashed right through the wall like the Kool-Aid man, because if he didn't what is all that "BIG, STURDINESS" of his for?

"Buuuuurrr!" Emmett shook the dust and dirt out of his hair. "What the heck is this place?"

"thisismynewspot," Macaroni Toni said with a (p)impish chuckle. "Icallit-HAM-BURGERS!"

"Hamburgers?" Edward asked, tilting his head like a confused dog. Toni used one of his long, sharpened fingernails to motion for Edward and Emmett to follow him.

"thismy, cover operation," He said, "_BEHOLD!_"

As they stepped into the kitchen they saw cooks and worker men inside. But these men weren't regular men.

The first man was a handsome dashing blond. He had a red "Ham-Burgers" apron on over what looked to be a very expensive black suit.

"That's CHRISTIAN from the book, _Fifty Shades of Horny_" Tony explained.

Christian walked up to Edward and shook his hand nervously. "Please to meet you, old chum!"

"nextwehave, Male and Peter from, _The Hungry games_!"

The two young handsome men were at the fry station arguing with each other.

"I told you to dump the fries in 15 minutes ago!"

"Why? So everyone can have soggy fries? Do you like Soggy Fries, Peter? Do you?!" And the boys began wrestling on the ground.

"Here is the assistant manager, Rabio" Toni pointed to an older man with long blonde hair who would have been attractive 40 years ago but today...hmmm, not so much.

Rabio nodded his head as he continued to sweep the kitchen floor unmolested.

"I'm picking up on a theme here," Edward said, looking over all the men working in the restaurant. "They all have gay names…"

"My name is not GAY!" Peter shouted as he and Male wrestled on the floor.

"Their names were all concocted by female novelists." Macaroni Explained. "Even me, Macaroni Toni is my _MAN NAME_. My original name was Harry _Pop_-her!" Macaroni Toni gave that little (p)impish laugh again and bowed theatrically.

"And here at HAM-BURGERS, we are in the service business. Female service business, giving women what they really want. Gorgeous, romantic guys and greasy food! No one would judge them for fangirling or fat asses here!"

"Fat chicks are gross," Emmett announced.


End file.
